


dried-up sweet days

by flowerpains (flowerstems)



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Drabble Collection, Fluff, M/M, Pining, i'm sorry sousuke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-24
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 07:45:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11893188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flowerstems/pseuds/flowerpains
Summary: 1.sourin;1. I didn't tell him to stay. Well, it's not like I wanted him to stay. I didn't want him to stay. It's more like I wanted him to say I could go with him.2.makoharu;just knowing makoto will be there for him sends pure energy thrumming through haruka in way that makes chatty people grin, "something good happened to you, eh?" if only they knew.3.soumako;the first time sousuke looks at makoto the ground beneath sousuke splits open, and when makoto meets sousuke’s gaze, the open ground tells the earth to swallow sousuke whole.4.souharu;here’s a sight for sore eyes: sousuke, doubled over, fingers bent on digging into the tiled floor no matter how many times they fail. haruka wants to understand, more than anything, why seeing sousuke like this feels… natural. it makes him sick to his stomach.5.rinharu;haruka knows nagisa is having a damn good time taunting him no matter what makoto says, and the groan makoto lets out when rei admits nagisa has been plotting his taunts for the past week is enough to give haruka strength to remain anxiously impassive. doesn’t matter how impossible rei says it is because haruka is doing it as they speak.





	1. bitter day (sourin)

despite all the things sousuke has had the guts to say, there are many things sousuke hasn't told rin, especially. things he should have told rin for his own peace of mind. things he was supposed to tell rin, because he regrets it now.

there’s nothing he can do about it now, that’s why sousuke tries not to dwell on it, but sometimes.

sometimes the mind wanders in uncontrollable ways, like right now; how do people control themselves, their thoughts? when it wanders all he can do is brace himself. brace himself for times like this, days like these, because on days like these his shoulder aches as though it needs to remind him of what he cannot do thanks to his incompetence. when his shoulder aches he cannot work, and when he cannot work he gets to thinking—wondering—thoughts wandering.

_what were the things I didn't say?_

today he writes out a list:

_1\. I didn't tell him to stay.  
Well, it's not like I wanted him to stay. I didn't want him to stay. It's more like I wanted him to say I could go with him._

it’s not like staying was ever really an option for rin. sousuke scratches off the first point, rewrites it.

 _1\. I didn't tell him_ (sousuke pauses for too long, pencil shaking in his hand shaking in uncertainty, and he talks himself in circles about making this a real thing. he curses and jams the pencil to the paper so hard it barely withstands the force,) _I wanted to go with him.  
Yeah. I regret that._

 _2\. I didn't tell him that his stupid grin is_ (the pencil rushes for the paper and sousuke holds it back, again, almost too long, again, until he curses and finishes,) _kind of sort of nice._  
the more he writes, the more real it becomes. the more real it becomes, the more his chest plugs up and burns with- _I regret that too. Thought it a lot more. Every time he smiled._

sousuke stops writing, but his brain doesn’t stop thinking. he cradles his head with his arms, pressing his cheek to the cool surface of the desk he hastily dusted so he could write this stupid list, and—

sousuke picks up the pencil and writes the next point without giving himself the chance to think twice about it.

_3\. I didn't really tell him how he inspired me.  
I mean, inspires me, I guess. But Australia is far._

sousuke glowers at the list, biting down a scoff at how pathetic it is. he glances outside and there are people. adults, children, everyone bustling around, distracting themselves from very real worries

while he has to sit on a couch and face his pointless yearning. his shoulder aches again and, really, what is he doing?

the pencil slips between his sweaty fingers and he sighs because there’s one more reason to add. only one. that way the list stays short, that way he feels just a bit less pathetic. for some reason.

 _4\. I never really told him I thought I loved him.  
Even when we get to talk, I don't say it. Maybe I should?_ sousuke scratches off the question and rewrites, _Maybe I should._

he thinks of rin; bright eyes, toothy grin. rin’s skill, his goals, his dreams, his potential—or what sousuke knows of it all. sousuke doesn't fit in that promising, prismatic collage. that’s all rin. rin and others, others who aren’t sousuke.

sousuke frowns, bites his lips to stifle what should have been a sigh but was too wet and too heavy in his throat. he sits in quiet shock as the realisation keeps knocking his aching shoulder from the inside. the ache reality leaves in him is profound, a mark on every part of him, and his shoulder struggles to hurt that much as he scratches the fourth point until the page tears.

before he rips the page apart and throws it away, beneath the scratched out fourth point sousuke writes:

_I’m just a damn fool._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry sousuke


	2. fallen angel (makoharu)

haruka wakes up every day to see makoto wearing their messy bedsheets and his sweet smile, morning light setting his skin aglow. recently, the only way haruka can find it in himself to pull through a whole day is taking the memory of makoto like this, sleepy and warm, and holding it at the forefront of his mind until he can stumble right back home to makoto. just knowing makoto will be there for him sends pure energy thrumming through haruka in way that makes chatty people grin, “something good happened to you, eh?” if only they knew.

it’s so much more than something good, it’s someone, and haruka despises the hypothetical ‘they’ but, hell, they were right. just having one person on your side changes the whole damn world. makoto is that person, the one always on his side, and haruka wants to give makoto everything makoto has given him and even more. if only he could put it into words, but haruka can’t quite figure out how. it’sneasier to just _do_ , so even in that hazy, numb place between sleep and awake haruka drags his hands through the sheets, unable to find makoto’s and settling for resting them on makoto’s waist. his skin is so warm under his palms, haruka rolls closer and only opens his eyes when makoto’s lips brush his forehead. makoto’s fingers slide through haruka’s hair, catching on and working out tangles, and haruka closes his eyes against the sunlight with a content sound.

the blissful complacence remains even when makoto says, “we’re going to be late again.”

personally, haruka believes that’s just fine. admittedly, he should let makoto go because makoto likes to be on time for classes while haruka could care less. it’s fine, as long as he can find the material online, that’s haruka’s morning mantra and he’s not going to abandon it now. so, because haruka is trying to be as good for makoto as makoto is for him, haruka unwraps himself from makoto, warm and welcoming makoto, and rolls away to bury his face in his plain, not-makoto pillow. this is one of the greatest sacrifices haruka has ever made, he knows makoto understands. because of this knowledge, haruka doesn’t understand why makoto keeps tapping his shoulder, light and forgiving as always. the taps are barely a nuisance, barely enough to break through to haruka’s conscience, the only reason haruka is aware of them at all is because he is aware of makoto.

that’s why when makoto laughs, “if you don’t get up, i really will leave you right here for the rest of the day,” haruka rolls over, again, to deliver his most unaffected stare to makoto. it doesn’t have the desired effect. instead of encouraging makoto to leave haruka to sleep all day, makoto rubs haruka’s shoulder and kisses the apple of haruka’s cheek. “come on, get up. we have to get ready.”

“you said you’d leave me here for the day.” if makoto tilts his head right and pushes his bashfulness aside to bat his eyes, he could get haruka to do anything, but makoto isn’t like that: he gets bashful at being called bashful, he’s all about the power of free will, and he’s a big softie. besides, he gave haruka a shot at a day off, there’s no way haruka will pass up that opportunity. “and if i get to stay, you should stay with me.”

makoto looks surprised, as though he truly was not expecting that response, as though it’s not the kind of response haruka gives whenever a situation like this comes about. the reaction is so… honest, haruka can’t keep a straight face no matter how opposed his sleepy face is to showing emotion. haruka takes his time pushing himself up so he can swing into makoto’s space and press their foreheads together, makoto’s skin warm on haruka’s even now. it’s nice, even with makoto's stammering about how they seriously have to go, in fact that only makes everything better.

in an unprecedented moment of impulsivity, haruka pinches makoto’s waist just enough to draw a startled yelp. this is fair, makoto woke haruka up by shining in his eyes like the sunlight and encouraging him like an angel on his shoulder, so haruka has earned this yelp. makoto twists away, face scrunched in that bashfulness, and haruka follows after him with chuckles that scrape past his dry throat. makoto leans away, and haruka leans in until there’s no way for makoto to escape from haruka’s arms wrapping around his waist. makoto isn’t the kind to use bribery, but haruka is not above leaving lazy kisses along makoto’s shoulders until makoto gives in so thoroughly haruka can fool himself into thinking it’s magic.

“just a little longer,” haruka rests his head on makoto’s shoulder, and the set of makoto’s jaw already tells haruka everything he needs to know. “okay?"

“okay,” makoto sighs, but even then his mouth pulls into that fond smile haruka can’t get by without. “just a little longer.”


	3. no one's here to sleep (soumako)

the first time sousuke looks at makoto, really looks at makoto, the ground beneath sousuke splits open, and when makoto meets sousuke’s gaze, the open ground tells the earth to swallow sousuke whole. sousuke looks away before the earth can listen to the ground, and sousuke leaves before it can happen again.

luckily sousuke has a penchant for getting lost. being lost means being alone, and being alone means no one will see him fold himself up against a dirty wall and scrub his face with his hands as though doing it enough will pull him back into a reality that makes sense. he needs something to make sense. anything.

the universe owes it to him, just this once. it owes him an explanation as to why, out of everyone, he’s the only one with a shattered shoulder, why he’s the only one who’s best friend doesn’t look at him the same way, why he’s the only one who gazes out of and beyond himself, yearning for what he can’t have in any way.

the first time he saw makoto it didn’t mean anything. sure, it was just a glance. that's why it didn’t mean anything, but in between the first time he saw makoto and the first time he  _saw_  makoto, things changed. deep greys eased into purples and blues after a few hours, light greys became green or yellow or orange. after a week sharp greys bled into red, and then, just then, when he properly looked at makoto the world burst into colors so vibrant it left sousuke reeling. his eyes are still dazzled, it hurts to look at anything, even his hands.

he knows what it means.

and the way makoto leaned into nanase, laughing without a care in the world, gaze lingering as though it would pain him to look away—sousuke knows what that means, too.

sousuke has heard the stories, and none have happy endings. none of this shit ever ends well, especially not for sousuke.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry sousuke part 2 this is a sort-of love at first sight au because soulmates are cool and all but we need more pain


	4. battlefield (souharu)

here’s a sight for sore eyes: sousuke, doubled over in pain, fingers bent on digging into the tiled floor no matter how many times they fail. haruka hasn’t done anything; he hasn’t lifted a finger, hasn't even opened his mouth in the time they’ve been here, but with the helpless distaste sousuke scowls at him, haruka briefly believes he beat sousuke into this mess with his own fists.

well, maybe he did, in this vague way that is pressing sousuke into the floor, this vague way he’s trying to understand from sousuke’s sharp glare and landslide shoulders. haruka wants to understand, more than anything, why seeing sousuke like this feels… natural. it makes him sick to his stomach.

it used to be so simple. all they needed to do was stop fighting, but gou said it would be even better if he and sousuke could get along. haruka didn’t fancy the idea, but things were so strained, even nagisa was curling under the weight of it. no matter how inconvenient an idea, haruka could deal with it if it meant things would go back to being okay, he needed at least this to be okay.

so he and sousuke stopped fighting. then haruka thought of gou’s sad eyes, nagisa’s strained smile, and haruka went the extra mile. it was simple.

“yamazaki, what do you want?” it was all so simple. sousuke was cranky, and he was emotionally constipated, but haruka understood where he was coming from the more they talked instead of glaring at each other.

rubbing oils and ointment into sousuke’s shoulder helped more than just saying, “stay strong, you’ll pull through.”

shutting sousuke up with his teeth digging into sousuke’s bottom lip worked better that saying, “calm down.” it worked so much better. sousuke’s hands pushed and grabbed and twisted with desperation haruka never would have understood with words alone.

when haruka put his hands on sousuke’s shoulders one balmy night, they were shaking so much haruka thought sousuke was crying. admittedly, he panicked, because how the hell is he of all people supposed to comfort sousuke? but sousuke dug his nose into the crook of haruka’s neck, pushed his hands up along haruka’s sides, and words alone never could have told haruka what sousuke wanted.

they were always physical, but this was supposed to be their turning point. haruka didn’t mean to hurt sousuke, not this time. he thought they were in a good place, no matter how vague it was, so why is this happening?

why did sousuke call him out in the moonless night to look at haruka as though he’s sousuke’s biggest mistake?

“i can't do this anymore,” sousuke repeats and it sounds a lot like a sob.

what the hell. haruka really thought they were doing okay, for them. still, he asks, “do what?"

“this.” sousuke raises his head and looks right at haruka for the first time tonight, “don’t play dumb, nanase.”

haruka holds his gaze. looking away feels like the wrong option. sousuke pushes himself to his feet and, in a sick perversion of their first encounter alone, steps out of haruka’s space as he looks away. even now sousuke is favoring his shoulder and haruka can’t help asking,

“did you forget to band your shoulder?”

what he expects is for sousuke to scoff, maybe tell him to fuck off and quit acting as though he cares, but instead sousuke looks at him as though haruka shoved his hand into sousuke’s chest, ripped his heart out, and ground it into the dirt.

haruka doesn’t understand why sousuke keeps looking at him like that.

why? why is everything he says the wrong thing, why does sousuke always look at him with those dark eyes, with his mouth twisted into a bitter scowl?

why can’t sousuke grace him with one of those stormy looks now, of all times, instead of turning away and walking into the dark without so much as a dismissive grunt?

sousuke doesn’t glance back. not even once.

in the morning, haruka is jolted out of a numb daze by a message:

come over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry sousuke part 3


	5. "i did not leave you" not this time (rinharu)

rin's coming.

rin's coming, returning really, and haruka manages to keep even his fingers quiet in his spot near the arrivals' gateway. he manages to keep a straight face as he strives to ignore nagisa's teasing exclamations of, “isn't that rin-chan? oh, never mind, it's just another redhead,” just because he gets a kick of seeing haruka jolt in response. haruka knows nagisa is having a damn good time taunting him no matter what makoto says, and the groan makoto lets out when rei admits nagisa has been plotting his taunts for the past week is enough to give haruka strength to remain anxiously impassive. doesn’t matter how impossible rei says it is because haruka is doing it as they speak.

nagisa is relentless in that bouncy way only he can be, and haruka is this close to glaring him into silence when rin—actual rin— walks out into the open. nagisa yells "rin-chan!" in his loudest, most obnoxious voice, and it echoes through the noisy airport only to be returned by an equally loud, excited greeting in rin's voice. without the muffle of a laptop’s speakers, he sounds so foreign and so unchanged all at once, and haruka tears his glare from the back of nagisa’s head.

it’s been years, but here rin stands looking just the same as he always has. looking just the same even though his hair is longer, his skin is darker, and he stands relaxed under their wide-eyed stares. rin flashes them a smile that’s all teeth, and all the changes don’t matter, rin is still that little boy who lit up like festival night when they won the relay.

it's been years.

well, three years doesn't sound as long as it feels, and three years feels damn long. so damn long that the only way to properly welcome rin back is to mob him, physically and emotionally. they all run over and grab him, as though operating with a hive mind, pulling him into a smothering hug. nagisa is wailing, unbelievably huge tears rolling down his cheeks, and then they're all sniffling, and haruka swears his eyes only burn because they're making such a big scene in the middle on the airport.

it's fine though, because it's them.

 

* * *

 

maybe haruka zoned out when they were planning their homecoming party because the party consists of their high school swim club and rin’s high school swim club having a picnic on the beach, 

“because the beach is conveniently close,” is what gou says when rin asks why they’re piling into a hired bus. the beach is not conveniently close. the beach is two hours away from the airport, only if you break every known traffic law.

what’s worse, isn't half of rin's past swim team in samezuka here? they’re all so noisy. they keep laughing and high-fiving and hugging everyone, which would be fine if haruka wasn’t a part of everyone. they’re good guys, but haruka feels like a deflated balloon, and since when were these guys so friendly? why are they literally muscling in on this picnic and fulfilling all of gou’s dreams with their unintentional flexing?

oh, right. haruka just answered his own question.

he slides into the seat beside makoto to rub makoto's back and sulk quietly. even though makoto looks sick, he gives rin these pitying looks every time rin glances back, the power of his full-force grimace dulled by the relentless questions being thrown at him. ordinarily, haruka thinks rin could handle this kind of thing, but seijuro is to rin’s left, nitori is behind him, and nagisa is leaning out of his seat so he can push his face into rin’s space and make him as uncomfortable as humanly possible.

listen, haruka loves rin with all his heart, but he will never trade places with him, not like this. when rin glances at him, eyes widening unmistakably, haruka looks away and busies himself with looking out the window. rin’s pained groan is impossible to miss, but that doesn’t deter anyone.  
  
“haru, is everything okay?” makoto’s got that puppy-eyed worry on his face, the one that compels haruka to be honest, so haruka twists his mouth to the side and looks away. makoto follows his gaze and his thoughtful hum is cut off by realisation. it only irritates haruka a little when makoto laughs at him for being childish. he chides haruka as gently as he always does, “don’t be so stubborn, haru.”   
  
how can makoto tell him that? doesn’t he know the only way haruka can process certain things is by being stubborn as he works through it before coming clean about it? haruka needs to be stubborn about this.

 

* * *

 

by the time the sky and sea are a blue-orange cocktail mixing at the horizon, almost everyone is lying in the sand, too close to falling unconscious for miss amakata's comfort. haruka politely declines rei’s offer to perfectly bury him in sand the same way he buried nagisa and makoto, cocooning them in sand up to their chins, and opts to sit alone in that sweet spot where water meets sand.

“i just realised you didn't jump into the sea as soon as we arrived. or all day.” rin comments offhandedly, sitting beside him and nudging him with his shoulder. haruka tilts his head in acknowledgment, regarding rin with a smile that pulls itself onto his face.

“just thinking.”

“what about?”

rin has always been sharp, but haruka can’t help thinking that sharpness has become even more dangerous than he was prepared for.

“is that a compliment?” rin jabs his elbow into haruka’s side and it’s not like haruka meant to say that aloud, okay? “it’s not my fault you’re so dense that the rest of us need to be sharp!”

touché. “but this kind of sharpness is dangerous. please stop.”

"don't dodge the question, tell me what's wrong."

haruka gets to his feet and tries to soften the edges of his smile, make it as fond as he feels without his face telling him it’s lame and forced. “nothing's wrong, i’m just glad you're back.”

“haru.” rin looks up at him, gaze as sharp as he is, sharp as seaglass, and haruka only gets that look when rin thinks they both did something wrong. haruka never learnt how to soften that look, nothing ever works. only honesty can smooth the edges of it until it’s safe enough to touch.

“i mean, it's been a while.” just because haruka knows honesty is the only thing that will work, doesn’t mean haruka knows how to be honest in a way rin can hold and understand and be placated by. it’s a shame, really.

rin gets up so quickly haruka almost thinks he slipped with how uncontrolled the movement looks, but when haruka reaches out rin looks all sorts of angry and hurt—haruka takes a step back. this always happens. 

“rin, what-” rin grabs him, curls all his fingers into the meat of his shoulders, and it’s not painful but it could be. haruka can't dodge this one.

“aren't you happy to see me?”

the last time haruka felt this choked up he was a teenager and he was all alone, cut off from the rest of the world. his mouth won’t cooperate, won’t say the words they both need to hear, and he’s so ashamed of himself he bows his head, but he doesn’t want rin to storm off, to leave him again, so he hooks his fingers into the hem of rin’s jacket and traps him here.

“i missed you.” haruka manages, and this is good, if he can just get the rest out. “so much. of course i'm happy-”

“then what is this?” rin shakes him, only enough to jostle haruka into looking at him, and haruka feels horrible for the way rin’s eyes shine as his face cracks open. he’s always been too honest, too emotional for his own good.

here, haruka can be honest. “i didn't know what to say-”

“what does that mean?” rin’s voice splits at the end and this isn’t how the day was supposed to end. it was supposed to be simple, storybook. they’d all go home after squeezing rin in a gross, sandy group hug, then they’d text each other until they fell asleep.

“i mean,” haruka pauses, blinks because his eyes burn again, and now his vision is too blurry for his liking. rin’s fingers still dig into his shoulders so haruka doesn't bother wiping his eyes. “even though i knew you’d be gone, you had to, there was no way around it. i still- i didn't think... it felt like…”

“spit it out.”

and this, haruka agrees with. “it felt so long,” just that feels like throwing a weight off his shoulders; even with rin’s fingers digging a reminder into him, urging him to talk, and at this point, how could he not? “it was like you were gone, really gone.” again, but haruka doesn't say that. he doesn't think he needs to, and even if he did, he doubts rin can take that. not right now.

“you…” rin drops his head and pulls haruka in close, but instead of hugging him the way haruka feels foolish for expecting, rin stares at him with eyes so wide haruka could see every muddled thought rushing through rin’s head, if only he were better at reading people. “you felt wrong,” rin grits out, pulling one hand away from haruka’s shoulder to grab haruka’s hand and squeeze it in his own. “because i'm back. i'm right here, right in front of you." haruka opens his mouth but rin shakes his head, shuts him up, and his expression softens. “there’s no way you could get rid of me. not now.”

the breath that rushes out of haruka takes all the tension with it, the tension that was holding haruka up and carefully alert. without it, haruka feels too tired to even bother holding his own head up, so he lets it drop onto rin's shoulder, and when rin doesn’t shrug him off, he rubs his forehead into the fabric of rin’s shirt as he nods. he feels like a thief with how carefully he eases his arms around rin’s waist, and when all rin does is rub his back, haruka chokes on the way he has to force a sob to stay in his throat. “i know. i’m sorry.”

“just-” rin stops himself, the shock of it jostling his shoulder and encouraging haruka to let his head loll to the side, eyes open even though all he can see is rin’s neck and the lax set of his jaw. “yeah. i’m sorry, too.”


End file.
